I’m alone. I realized this over the past months as I reflected on my relationships and the level of closeness I felt to those in my life. I found in my heart deep feelings of aloneness. Much of it is my own doing. I’m a pastor. I know that trust is the essential ingredient to any lasting relationship. That’s why pastor’s so often talk about trusting God. If the primary goal of all humanity is relationship with God, then trust in God (his ways, his promises, his nature, his character, his timing, etc.) is critical to all of life.
I stopped trusting a while back. I’m not sure of all the reasons why, but I did. I started doing life on my own. It reminds me of the days before I became a Christ follower. It’s a hard road to go it alone. But I’ve been doing it on my own. I need God, but I also need people. God wants me to have communion with others and he won’t feel that gap for me. But I have to learn to trust others in that process, something I don’t readily do as often now. I trust others with things like picking me up from the airport or taking care of a task for me, but I don’t trust them with my heart. I’m rarely vulnerable before others. When I cry, I prefer to weep my tears alone. I know it won’t always be like this, but it is at the moment and I feel really lonely in it.
The hope in all this is that I’m not all alone. When I cry those lonely tears God catches me. If no one listens, he opens an ear to me. So ultimately I’m not alone, which is excellent news. But I also hope this is a season that will pass quickly and I’ll be able to lean on a few close brothers and sisters in Christ soon.
